URGENT PRESS RELEASE

DARWIN CONFOUNDED -- GELCOAT BEETLE THRIVES

Hugh Cownie

The gelcoat beetle scarabaeus gelecotusis no longer a secret confined to a small circle of unfortunate yachtsmen. The tiny destructive insect would have remained unknown if our masters in Brussels had not been ordered by a member government to issue a directive to destroy all fibreglass yachts built outside that country since 1955. Now, as readers know, giant incinerator plants are being constructed throughout the continental EU.

Present hysteria is said to have arisen from the sad deaths of three EU yachtsmen. They were killed in a EU boatyard after the slings on the travel lift gave way causing their forty-year-old yacht to disintegrate while they were aboard. The gelcoat and supporting fibreglass of the hull collapsed and traces of the beetle's larvae were believed to have been discovered in the wreckage.

EU scientists say that the beetle is more voracious than the infamous tropical borer beetle but is of unknown genetic origin. They suspect that it is a mutation from an organism created when a mainland European chemical company manufactured a reinforcing fabric derived from shredded scrap dinghies both wooden and inflatable; even the rowlocks had been included in the compound.

All non-continental EU yachts, stick, rag and stinkpots, have been recalled to Union ports for destruction. Sales at home and abroad of fibreglass yachts have been expressly forbidden under the threat of multi-million ecu fines being imposed on regional Westminster and other local and parish governments by the European Court. Yachts may only be destroyed at designated plants licensed by the EU's agents in Sicily and sited in Germany and France.

Disposal plants are being financed by Brussels but no installations have yet been approved for LB (Lesser Britain). This is because reckless British political and yachting interests deny that the effects of beetle attacks are a significant threat to life with annual deaths so far at 0.0003% of deaths from Brussels inspired high blood pressure.

Britain has presented to Brussels the results of recent research. This was carried out by scientists at a provincial white-stone university proving that the beetle will disappear naturally within five years. This evidence has been dismissed by one respected commissar as being parochial and irrelevant.

Spokespersons in one EU capital affirm that their prime concern is to restore consumer confidence in yachts built in the Greater EU and her satellite states and to protect public health. Support for this concern has just emerged from New Zealand. A yacht that left the Bay of Islands with all mandatory safety equipment aboard foundered recently in force 12 storms off Cape Horn; it is suggested by Brussels that the gelcoat beetle may have been responsible for this.

On payment of VAT levied on local valuation, visiting non-EU constructed yachts are to be allowed to anchor or moor in designated continental EU waters, (Mediterranean), which have been declared free of the bug. Charts showing approved waters are shortly to be published initially in Danish, Greek and Swedish; the cost is expected to be no more than DM100 each. Visiting yachts from approved non-EU origins will be subject to examination upon arrival.

An Inspectorate is being formed. Candidates for posts are restricted to the personal nominees of EU officials and MEPs, but in order avoid any possible conflict of interests it is stressed that they should have no prior knowledge of boatbuilding or yacht surveying. Successful applicants will qualify for a basic tax-free salary of œ100,000 plus first class travel and hotel accommodation. Uniform allowances will be generous and there will be a special issue of studded boots to those actually boarding boats and in danger of having contact with the beetle. The Commission in Brussels expects to recover these costs via inspection fees and sailing permits.

Uncertainty surrounds the disposal of masts, fixtures and fittings manufactured from ferrous and non-ferrous materials. Concern has been expressed by the Commission's Yacht Research Directorate at the possibility of scarabaeus gelecotuscross-breeding with the little known aluminium moth blatta aluminia. Swedish and Canadian smelting interests are maintaining watching briefs.

Recommended action

So what measures can you take in order to protect your own boat from the ravages of the beetle? EU scientists suggest that as scarabaeus gelecotus is believed to need moisture in order to reproduce, on no account should vessels be allowed to come into contact with water. Ideally they should be encased in shrink-wrap polythene and/or placed in humidity controlled storage facilities pending examination. To take any vessel to sea before full inspection would undoubtedly invalidate the insurance policy. Bookings for full EU-approved inspections are currently being taken for October 1999.

4(The concluding paragraph headed Recommended Action was unfortunately missing from Hugh's original press release (small teeth marks brought the page to a premature end) so your Editor was forced to rely on her own knowledge to make good the deficiency.

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